So how was 2017 for you?
Fabulous, amazing, fulfilling? Have you achieved everything you set out to?
Or, rather less than satisfactory? A bit like mine then!
I must admit, 2017 has not been my year.
Now, before I get going I want to say one thing……things have definitely started to turn around for me. I’m ending the year working with some amazing clients and some really interesting opportunities and plans for adventure are on the cards for 2018 but really, 2017 has been in balance, quite simply SHIT!
And today I want to tell you why and what I’m doing about it.
So, what happened? Why has my year turned out so differently to how I imagined it would when I stood at the top of 2017 and looked forward to an amazing life changing year full of promise and fabulous opportunity?
Well, when I first asked myself that question I couldn’t really answer it. I’ve got amazing coaching skills, great qualifications and more than 20 years business consulting experience behind me so I’m not short in the skills department. I’m clever, intelligent and I’m not too lacking in the social skills department either. I’ve got a great coach and mentor, I’ve invested £000’s in amazing courses this year and I’ve got a support system that is 100% on my side and who only want the very best for me.
So how could I possibly end up with a business on its knees in the middle of this year, with no clients, no income and no idea what to do about it?
Well, once I got through the shame and self-loathing I realised that it really, truly was all in my head and slowly but surely, I began pulling myself back together.
And today I want to share my story with you about what I’m doing so that so you might be able to do the same if your year hasn’t been everything you hoped for and I also want you to see that all is not always fantastic behind the scenes on this entrepreneurial journey. That shit happens. Businesses nearly go bust. That the “exceed your corporate salary” stories are true but sometimes they take longer to get there than you thought. That the champagne sipping in the first class lounge shots are real, but that there were no doubt a few more lessons to be learned before they got there (or indeed still furiously being learned) that we’re privy to.
So, here we go.
First, why was my year so shit?
Well, at the most basic level, the reason this year has been shit is because I tried to push my Dad’s death at the end of last year under the carpet.
When my Mum died I raged and I wailed and cried till my whole body hurt. I was heartbroken. My gorgeous, kind, loving, silly, beautiful Ma had been taken away from us so early. But my crying let me grieve and eventually I found a way to live “normally” again. I was different but I knew how to ride the unexpected waves of grief that show up in any number of random places. I made a place for her in me and I carried on.
With my Dad though it was different. I didn’t cry. Well I did at his funeral but there was none of the wailing and gnashing of teeth that came with my Ma’s death. No. I turned my grief in to anger. I turned it inwards and let it eat away at me over the year. For all sorts of reasons I felt betrayed, hurt, resentful and deeply, deeply sad and I let these feelings take me over.
At times this year it’s felt like I’m drowning. But, as a Mum, and a Wife and a business owner I’ve spent so much energy on trying not to let not let it show. I couldn’t let people see me suffer, stumble, be not good enough. So I just turned it all around and pushed it deeper and deeper inside me, hurting myself even more.
And of course, turning it around and pushing my grief deeper inside didn’t make it go away. It showed up in my energy and of course in my business. My state of mind showed up in my motivation levels, my ability to attract clients and in my personal relationships. It was reflected in my income, my weight, and the state of my home. EVERYTHING. Quite simply, everything went wrong!
And so when the kids went back to school this term I decided I need to do something about it. If I’ve learned anything from my parents dying quite young it’s that life is insanely short and that we quite literally can’t put things off to tomorrow that we know we should do today, as there just might not be one.
So I committed to releasing my grief and understanding my relationship with my Dad who I loved so much and who I know loved me, but who was, from a child’s perspective, a complicated character. And slowly, as I released my grief and all the anger and resentment I’d been carrying around all year…and if the truth be told, for many, many years I started to come alive again.
I quite literally started to see again. I was amazed at all the colours in the gardens. I started going for walks just to look at the beauty in our world, the sky, leaves, flowers, colours. It was overwhelming to start with but now it’s such a joy to have that sense of awe in my life again.
And I started to feel emotions again. I felt happy and joyful. I felt excited and one emotion I remember feeling so strongly was impatience. I was overcome with a need to create, get out there, and be a part of the world again that felt and loved and laughed.
And yes, I started making money again. I’ve started attracting fabulous clients, I’m swimming in great ideas for courses and programmes and interesting opportunities are being shown to me left right and centre.
But interestingly this has been the most recent manifestation of me releasing my grief. The emotions, the feelings, allowing the joy and the happiness to come back in to my life. That had to come first. And I’ll admit it’s been hard to let that happen. Not to push and force my business to perform. But deep down at a soul level I knew I had to release and build myself back first before I could do anything to start allowing my work and my business to start to thrive again.
And I will be honest my grief is still with me. I still haven’t let it go as deeply as I want to. And with that comes bouts of depression, days when I can’t bear to touch the keys of my computer and when I can’t even think of what to cook for supper or speak to anyone about anything.
But that’s when I’m kind to myself. I take to my journal and I release what more I can. And then I thank God I’m healthy and that I’ve been given another wonderful day on our beautiful planet. And at the end of the day I go to bed grateful and get up in the morning to have another go.
And for each day I get to have another go I am committing to releasing as much of my grief as I can and will allow myself. I’ll be de-cluttering my home, releasing emotions, writing letters of forgiveness and making way for even more joy and happiness, love and abundance to come in to my life.
And what about you? What do you need to release? Will you come with me on a journey for the rest of this year to let go of what we know we need to so we can really live our one precious life to the full next year?
Commit to coming with me by leaving me a comment.
Much, much love,